Enough, Already!
2004-02-11, 12:16 p.m.

Okay, so I wasn�t going to think about it. About him. About Ben. But the rest of the people who inhabit my sphere are determined that I am going to think about it. About him. About Ben. Fuck. I was doing so much better yesterday at this time.

Last night on the way home from work, I get stuck in traffic that�s at a dead stop. I think there were about 6 cars off in the ditch or in the median. Since I wasn�t moving, when my phone rang, I turned off my book (The Namesake, which by the way is excellent) and answered a call from my mother. She just returned from seeing him. She gave him some photos of me, told him a bit about me and kind of pieced together the Story of My Conception for him. She told me all about it. She told me that he wanted me to call him that night. Fuck.

I felt really weird about the whole thing. That my mom & sister have met him � or in my mom�s case re-met him � and I haven�t. That my mom saw him this time before I did. That they talked about me. That she showed him pictures of Baby Nimiiwin. Told him some stuff about me.

I spent the night at my own house last night with PJH and we talked about it. She brought up something I�d never even thought of: What if my mother or sister told him stuff about me that I might have chosen not to share so early on? I had something of a misspent youth and they are both fairly quick to tell the tale of Nimiiwin Run Wild. Great. So now I have to worry about that. Mom assures me that she didn�t but who knows? She did tell him of an ill-fated and ill-executed suicide attempt when I was 14. Why that? I mean, really. Why? Now I sound like I�m nuts and unstable. Never mind that it was 23 years ago.

So I called him. When I first called at 9:15, his daughter answered and he wasn�t home. I don�t think she realized who I was because she didn�t seem all that excited to talk to me. I called back at 9:45 and he was there. We talked for 54 minutes, according to my cell phone. There were awkward spots but overall it was a good conversation. He told me that he was quite a drinker Back in the Day and that he drank about a half-gallon of whiskey a day. It�s a wonder he�s alive. No wonder he can�t remember impregnating a rather quiet and unassuming country girl. He told me about his kids. Ben, Jr. who�s 28. Ben has a 6 year old daughter, Natalie, but isn�t married to her mother. T hey just broke up so he�s living at home again until he can find a house to buy. Jamie is a really good student and likes Harry Potter. John is the one who causes them some grief. Ben, Jr. played football in high school and had opportunities to go to college but for whatever reason, they all fell through and he didn�t go. Jamie is being recruited by several colleges and will likely get a scholarship and go to college. Ben himself was a forklift driver and didn�t go to college at all. He�s 58 and he retired a year or so ago. Now, he works in a campground a few hours a week to keep himself busy. He�s diabetic. Probably from the drinking. He�s gained a lot of weight as he�s gotten older. He likes to hunt and fish. The kids all play computer games. He and his wife fight a lot but they�ve been married for 35 years.

See? Now I wasn�t going to worry about the details until I met him but now I have just a bit of information and I can�t stop worrying about whether they'll like me or not.

So now I have stuff to worry about. What did my mom tell him about me? Once we get past the catching up on 38 years of my life, will we have anything to say to each other? Is he a Republican? Turns out his aunt is gay so he�s fine with that at least. Though PJH got me all worried this morning when she said he probably did have some issue with it or he�d have asked about her � if I had a husband, he�d probably ask about my husband. So, now there�s that.

Why on God�s green earth couldn�t people have let me do what I said I wanted to do and that is NOT THINK ABOUT IT yet. Avoidant behavior. I know how to do that.