What If They Don't Like Me?
2004-02-10, 2:18 p.m.

Thank you, everyone, who has inquired about how I�m feeling about The Big News. Don�t know what it is? Go here . Go on. We'll wait.

Frankly, I�m not sure how I feel. I had planned to avoid thinking about it entirely until 2/19, which is when my mom and step-dad are taking me out to dinner for my birthday. Dawn asked if she could invite Ben and his family and I said yes. Then, my mother foiled my plans by speaking with Ben herself and now she�s told me that he�d like me to phone him before then. PJH also thinks it�s a good idea. You know, get some of the awkwardness out of the way over the phone. I don�t even refer to him by name when I�m talking about him. It�s �him� and �he.� I have a hard time even saying his name. It�s so weird. I keep saying that but it is. It�s just weird. Surreal, even.

PJH says it�s weird for her too. Since I don�t look like my family, she�s always thought of me as her Original. Just a sweet thing she�s thought but never told me. And now there are 3 carbon copies of me out there. And that might be weird to see. Don�t get me wrong, she�s thrilled for me. She just agrees that it�s weird.

I�ve been telling people that I plan to focus on the things I can *control* like what am I gonna wear, I�d better get a long-overdue haircut and probably I�ll get my nails done. Just because I looked at my hands and they look like hell. As if they�ll care about what I look like. Other than the fact that I look so much like them. And that is, in fact, the plan. I�ll shop and get my nails done and spend some time getting ready. Then, the day of will be a whirl � a day starting out with a regularly-scheduled meeting with my boss and the Admin Manager, other activities, a CARES board meeting and then dinner. I�ll go right from the board meeting to dinner, probably rushing around feeling like I�m going to be late and then I won�t have time to think about how it�s gonna go.

After I talk to him tonight, we�ll see if I still think that.

I have the stack of pictures that Dawn gave me on my desk and every so often I look at them and think, �I can�t believe it�s him.� I�ve literally wondered about him my entire life and there he is. And them. The siblings I wondered if I had.

I can�t let myself think about it or I worry. What if they don�t like me? What if they are homophobic? What if I don�t like them? What if, what if, what if. What if they don�t like me. There are people who don�t. Being queer in Southwest Michigan is not exactly the thing that gets you invited to join the Junior League. (which, by the way, I think I�d totally dig in a weird sort of way.) What if they are racist? What if they are � Republican? I know his wife is Catholic, but I don�t know if they are practicing Catholics or not. Or even if that means that they are gonna freak out about having a lesbian for a daughter (and step-daughter.) What if they don�t like me?

Me. I never care if people like me. If you don�t, you don�t. There�s other fish in the sea. But I�ve thought about this man for my whole life. When things with my dad were at the apex of ugly, I always thought to myself that I still at least had Ben. Not that he�d rescue me or something like that, but at least my dad wasn�t the only hope I had for a father. There was someone else out there that someday might want to be a part of me.