Godspell
2003-11-12, 4:22 p.m.

I have been totally unmotivated for days. This seems to be a recurring theme. Maybe I need to increase my Strattera. It�s possible that 40 mgs isn�t enough. The doctor gave me a rx for 10 mg tabs but I never got it filled. Now I have to go get another rx if I want more of it, which I do. Sigh. Probably I�m just going to wind up living with it until the first of the year when I go for my annual exam. I�ll bring it up then.

I got pictures developed that we�ve had for a while. We had pictures of our old house�s garden, plenty of pictures of this house�s outsides, pictures from the trip to SC and � pictures of me. Looking enormous. I�ve lost some weight since then, thank God, but not much. Not nearly enough. And all I want to do is eat the candy that is on my desk to lure my new office mates in to chat with me. That and eat pizza.

Wow! I just looked at my diary and realized it�s been a long time since I updated! On Sunday at church, the board president caught me before the service began and told me that they were going to change the name of the visioning process but that the bulletin had already gone to print. So, okay. After the service, Marty came up and I thanked her for the change and she said, �No. Thank you.� PJH got mad that Marty didn�t say anything to her about how it was too bad that things had to go so far before anything got changed, but she didn�t. I, in essence, told PJH to get over it or to bring it up to Marty herself. I guess I think that we have to decide enough is enough and not keep on about it. Especially now that they have made the name change (still don�t know what it�s going to be, just that it�s going to be different.)

We went to see Godspell on Saturday. I have seen the story of the crucifixion about 100 million times and every time it makes me cry. I loved the actor who played �Jesus� in this version. He was amazing. And, like 21. It was a student production at Western so I know he was younger than 22, which is how old most people are when they graduate. Anyway, he was amazing as Jesus. After the show, the cast and other WMU students put on a cabaret type thing and we stayed for that. That was also really good. I can�t believe the depth of voice that those young women have. My favorites are both seniors this year and will be off to NYC to seek their fame and fortune.

So, the crucifixion story. You know, I have my doubts, at times, about this whole Christianity business. I mean, technically speaking, I�m a Christian. (Don�t tell anyone, though!) But come on. How could this have happened literally? So, let�s assume for a moment or two that Jesus wasn�t �the child of God� in any way other than the way that you and I are. And, while we�re at it, let�s assume that he was in on God�s plan to have Jesus be the savior, whose death would assure us all salvation. I know, I know, it�s a stretch, but let�s just assume for argument�s sake that it�s true AND that �Jesus- believed all that. He let himself be crucified because he thought that would save the rest of us. What kind of person would let himself be �crucified- in the interests of people that he�d not only never even met but that hadn�t even been born yet? Either certifiable or a very loving soul. Because I want to, I choose to believe the latter. So, the story makes me cry when they get to the part where all the disciples fall asleep and he gets so sad because none of them could stay awake. Haven�t we all at one point felt like we are totally alone and no one gives a good goddamn whether we live or die? Well, that�s how Jesus seemed to have felt at that moment, only he had reason to believe his death was imminent where for most of us who feel like that, it�s just PMS.

There was a funny moment at WMU after Godspell. I was talking to one of the actresses whom I know and the Jesus actor caught my eye. Now, he was looking at me like � well, like a �girl- you know? I looked away and when I looked back, he was still looking at me over the shoulder of the young man to whom he was talking. When I was finished with Andrea, I went over to say hello. PJH was watching him look at me and when I went over to talk to him, she stepped right up and made herself known. It was hilarious on several levels. 1. I was there with her. 2. He�s a �child- for Pete�s sake. I�m probably only a few years younger than his �mother- and 3. I�m a lesbian. If PJH decided to go that route, I�d have a relationship with a transman but a bioman? Not gonna happen. I didn�t say anything to her but it was �so- obvious. Well, it�s nice to know that she notices that sort of thing. Now, there is a certain former WMU basketball player who is friends with a friend of mine that might be cause for concern, but since Kina Brown is safely in Chicago and safely �not- interested in me (foolish, foolish woman) then PJH has nothing to worry about really. It�s odd, actually. The Last Girlfriend was the first person to whom I was ever entirely faithful. I have been with PJH now for 4 years. I wasn't sure I could do it this long.

How�s this entry for tangential?