Our First Adoption Court Visit
2004-07-22, 12:08 p.m.

I�ve been out for 17 years. Or, as they used to say, �a self-vowed, practicing homosexual.� We used to get such humor out of that expression. Anyway, though I know there is a lot of homophobia out there and I�ve worked hard at changing that, through various methods, I�ve never been personally affected. Well, that�s not true. Only once. Until today.

We went to court for the first time about the boys. We had to get custody officially changed from Maggie to the court so that they could be placed with us for a �pre-adoptive� placement.

The judge we were expecting to get had some conflict so we got a different judge, as did everyone on the first judge�s docket today.

Our adoption worker referred to us as �adoptive parents� and �a family� and the judge interrupted her and said, �Let�s get something clear. Only one of these people can adopt these children. References to adoptive parents and family is misleading to the children and to the public. Do you understand, Mrs. Hunter?� Sandy was quiet for quiet a while, clearly gathering herself and then said, �Yes, your honor.� and went on. I was shocked. We know that, due to ridiculous laws, that I can�t adopt the children with PJH. But to say we aren�t a family? In an official court document, as the transcripts of this proceeding will be? I wanted to cry. I wanted to say, �Oh, so that means I don�t have to cook for these children, attend to their personal hygiene, help them with their homework, provide food, clothing, shelter?� What we were expecting to hear was �Thank God these boys have finally found a home.� I mean. They are difficult children and there have been several attempts at placement that haven�t worked out for whatever reason.

The judge went on to say that he had concerns that since neither of us had good male role models in our homes that we wouldn�t provide that for the boys. Sandy told him that we have several brothers and brothers-in-law and friends who would be stepping up and being part of the boys� lives. Yeah, because you know, all lesbians hate men. That�s why we�re adopting 3 freaking boys. Because we hate men and we want to torture small men in our home. That�s it. He went on to say that in couples where there isn�t a marriage (emphasis mine) that should the relationship end, the custody disputes can be ugly. Didn�t he just contradict himself? He made it clear that I have no legal relationship to the children and no legal rights as a parent. How can there be a custody dispute? I have nothing to dispute! And, besides, our adoption worker noted, any divorce cases she�s been involved with have all gotten really, really ugly.

I don�t know why I was so shocked. Maybe by his vehemence. Maybe by his tone of voice. Maybe that he even brought it up at all. I don�t know. The only other time I�ve ever had anything like this happen was in a situation where I was expecting it so it didn�t come as quite as big a shock. I was sexually assaulted, rather brutally, by my female partner. Since it was a sexual assault, I was expecting them to be nasty. I�ve heard so many stories about that � and it was 1988. But they were fine until they found out that it was my partner, my female partner, who did it. Then they were cold and rather rough. But, as I said, I was expecting that since it was sexual assault. I was in no way expecting this. EAH & BAB�s adoption went so well and they were so well treated by the judge. I wish we�d seen Judge Williams today.

I know that the judge who will actually be handling our case will be totally different as she was also the judge who handled our friends�. Thank God. I don�t know if I could go through the final adoption, with the boys present, and have the judge tell me that I don�t matter, that I am not a parent, that we are not a family.

Since this seems to be all that I can think about today, this same entry is in my livejournal too, so no need to go there today.