Childish?
2004-01-15, 1:17 p.m.

It�s colder than fuck here, for real. It�s 14 degrees as I type and last night my car windows froze shut. In the garage. That�s cold. The young man at McDonald�s, where I went to get a parfait and diet coke this morning, looked at me askance when I had to open my door to give him my money. Punk. It�s a dirty car but a reasonably nice one and not all banged up like my last car, which PJH had to *pry* me out of since I liked it so much. Anyway.

My dad called me yesterday. He totaled yet another truck (this is the 5th in 5 years) and broke 5 ribs. I�ve been worried about him but it turns out his friend�s son (who is my age, roughly) is staying with my dad til the end of the month to help take care of him. Which is a relief since he doesn�t really have anyone else in SC who he can ask to do that level of favor for him. He can�t even bathe � he needs help to get in and out of the tub and he�s too scared to take a shower in case he falls. He�s planning to sell his house in SC and move to Florida.

Can anyone tell me why people think I�m being childish about my relationship with my mother? Here�s the deal: back before my dad sobered up, he was an ass. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and, with me, occasionally physically abusive. My mother, who is supposed to protect us, did nothing to stop it. At least not until he got out of hand one day just before I graduated from high school. Then she asked him to leave. It was an ugly scene and one I�d really rather not remember. She pretty much wrote me off then, for all intents and purposes. I went to college and the only time I ever heard from my mother was when she needed money or when it was time for me to come home for break. She did let me live with her for a while when I got mono in college. I was sick for dang near 2 years, but that�s another story. Then, I came out. You�d think that with having a lesbian sister, she�d be used to it but she wasn�t all that thrilled. She lied to people about me. I can�t tell you how many of my mother�s friends were shocked when they met me because they thought my mother only had one child. The �straw that broke the camel�s back� so to speak came in 1992. My mom and her then-boyfriend were featured in the newsletter of a group they belonged to. My mom had the nerve to proudly show it to me. Had the nerve I say, because in the interview my mom talked about my sister and her husband, all her boyfriend�s kids and never once mentioned me. I love my sister but at that point, all she�d done with her life was get married. I was the first person on either side of my family to graduate from college but I wasn�t worth a mention. And she showed it to me. *I* wrote *her* off then. I still saw her at family gatherings and what have you, but I made no effort whatsoever to see her. I still don�t. If she asks and I�m available, I�ll go. Otherwise, I don�t see her. And I don�t rearrange my schedule to accommodate her.

That�s been along time ago, right? Recently she�s made noise about wanting to be closer to me. My mother has never been a mother. She never protected us, she never taught us how to manage our lives, she didn�t do any of the things a mother is supposed to do except give birth and feed/clothe/house us. And after a certain point, it was I who made sure that my sister and I had a lot of the things that we needed. She would act sweet with us, but she didn�t do the hard stuff of being a mother. She didn�t work, she didn�t clean house, she just did whatever it was she wanted to do. I told my mom that if she wanted us to be close then she needed to do something to prove to me that she was interested in being a mother. I wanted her to find out where the man is who is my father. My dad being the man who adopted me when he married my mother when I was 2. That was nearly 2 years ago now. I still don�t know anything. It was arbitrary, I suppose, but this is something that is vitally important to me and she hasn�t given me enough information to find him on my own and she won�t tell me anything. I need her to, for once in her fucking life, think of me and not herself. She isn�t going to do that. We�re going to continue to have a superficial relationship. It�s just that cut and dried for me. My mom doesn�t want to do anything difficult and after this many years of neglect, you don�t get to just step up and be mom. Most mothers earn that by being mothers all the years of their child�s life. My mother chose to be selfish, self-centered and shallow.

I can�t say that I hate my mother. I don�t. I also can�t say that I love my mother because I don�t. I don�t feel anything for her one way or the other for the most part. Except when she starts whining to other people that I won�t let her be a part of my life. Then I get angry. It�s HER OWN DAMNED FAULT that she isn�t currently a part of my life.

Is that childish? I don�t want to hear from anyone the �you�ll regret it when she�s gone� bullshit. I might but I doubt it. Is it childish? Is it unreasonable to expect that if she wants to be my mother, she�ll think about what I need and not what she needs?

So, okay. Yesterday this woman and man (Sally and, I think, Bob) took me out to lunch at Applebee�s. Applebee�s because it�s close to where I work and everyone could find it. Certainly not for their exciting menu options. I did however have a yummy white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. Anyway, they asked me out to lunch to ask me to be on the board of Planned Parenthood of Southcentral Michigan. I�m thinking about it. There aren�t expecting a lot but it�s still a commitment. I�m already on the board of CARES but I think I can add another one and still keep up. I mean, really, if DivaMel can handle a full time job, a part time job, a full time load of masters level classes and managing her household and still fit in working out, surely I can handle another meeting a month and the occasional appearance at a special event.