The Big Night
2004-02-20, 10:45 a.m.

So last night was The Big Night. When I met Ben and his family. It was interesting. I didn�t think about it until I was in the car on the way there. I left work and went to CARES for the board meeting, which I had to leave at 6:20 to get there more or less on time. I got butterflies in my stomach and knots at the same time. I was a nervous wreck. I went the wrong direction and went a long way out of my way. Well, okay, about 10 blocks, but still. I said the Prayer of Protection over and over again as I drove. (The light of God surrounds me, the love of God enfolds me, the power of God protects me, the presence of God watches over me, wherever I am, God is and all is well.) Normally, that is soothing for me but this time it didn�t help much.

Then I got there. I hung up my coat and PJH came out to meet me and walk me in. She told me first thing that everything was fine so I must have looked like I was nervous. Then, I was there. They were all looking at me as I walked in. PJH sat me between she and Ben. As I walked in, Ben and his younger son, John, both stood up to hug me. Ben, Jr. (Benjy) and Jamie, John�s twin, were across the table from me so I didn�t hug them.

At first it was awkward for all of us, but we started to talk and I showed Ben and the kids some pictures of me as I was growing up and some pictures of our house. They were all very interested. At one point Benjy said that he had a baby picture that looked just like one of mine, which unsettled him. I think they weren�t sure about me until they saw me and saw the pictures. I look amazingly like them. Benjy and John had an �argument� over who looked more like me. That was both sweet and reassuring. I wasn�t sure how they�d feel about having an older sister who was so much older than they are.

Jamie is going to be in a play at school and she invited me to go. PJH is going to be in the UP visiting her dad, but I�ll go and maybe Dawn will, too. Every so often, I�d look up and see Benjy staring at me. When he noticed that I noticed him, he smiled and looked down. Very shy. It was very sweet. PJH says she thinks he�s happy to have a sibling closer to his age.

The one thing about the kids is that they all really like each other. The twins were so funny together and Benjy clearly loves them and indulges them. The kids were all shy at first about talking to me but then they warmed up. It was definitely �. well, odd. I can�t say that I felt an immediate kinship with them, but I liked them all a lot. I think that I�ll have a nice relationship with each of them.

Ben�s wife, Nanette was there, but she didn�t talk pretty much the entire evening and she wasn�t especially friendly. I wanted to speak with her before they left, but she scooted out the door before I had a chance. I know she has to feel at least a little strange and I want to thank her for coming and for being so willing to let her children and her husband be a part of my life. She could make a stink about it but, as far as I know, she hasn�t. I so appreciate that. For heaven�s sake, my sister marched right up to their doorstep and said �Your husband is my sister�s father.� No preamble, no build up, just out with it. That alone would have been a shock.

My own mom was acting like her usual self. Trying to give the appearance that we are closer than we are, for one thing. She was also showing off some. She mimics my mannerisms sometimes, like the way I am constantly tucking my hair behind my ears and the hair flip thing that I do. It�s so weird for my mom to be mimicking me. Isn�t it supposed to be the other way around? Anyway, I think she was trying to give an appearance of � I don�t know what. She came over and showed me her Valentine�s Day present from Jeff (her husband) and made sure to tell me (since I was sitting next to Ben, I suspect) that the diamonds were real. I would have assumed they were without her telling me so. She was more touchy feely with Jeff than she normally is. And she kept trying to touch me and hug me and she knows I hate that. Well, I don�t hate it from everyone, just from her, because it feels forced. We just don�t have that sort of relationship. We may at some point, but we don�t now. She came over at one point and asked me what I thought. I kind of yelled at her because I have told her and everyone else that I was not thinking about this. I was experiencing it and I�d think about it after. She simply does not listen to me. And she needs to be the center of attention. In some ways, I think it was killing her that they were all talking to me and focused on me. It�s not my favorite place to be, the spotlight, but I was enjoying getting to know my new brothers and sister.

Overall, I had a good evening and I�m glad that they all came. I�ll call Benjy soon and make plans to meet him elsewhere so we can have a chance to talk some. And I�ll go to Jamie�s play. And we�ll see what else. They�ve invited me to go to Disney World with them in April, but I don�t think I can do that. I just blew all my vacation money on the trip to Florida.

After an entire lifetime of thinking about Ben, being confronted with the reality of him was surreal. Benjy, John and Jamie seem more real to me than Ben does.